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| [5/18]
What should I do? I'm indecisive to the point that I hurt myself. I cannot make a decision for anything, and it eats away at me, until it makes up it's own mind, leaving me with the consequences forced upon me. So what will happen, when nothing happens? One minute I know exactly how things should be. The next, I think the opposite. I can't even decide if I should tell you actual detail right now.. or just leave it in the dark. | | |
| I have completely fallen for this boy. When he's near, I just want him nearer. When we talk, I'm truely happy inside, no matter what's going on around me. He makes me smile more than anyone does. He makes my chest flutter. I like him so much. He's incredible, and I've never said that about a boy before. I wish he'd be mine.. but I know it's going to take time. He's still with her, he has feelings for me, but doesn't know what to do. He says she's in love with him, and he thinks he only loves her as a friend. I don't think that relationship should stay together.. even though my opinion is obviously biased. But really, think about it. If you were in love with someone, and wanted to marry them, spend forever with them, wouldn't you want that person to feel the SAME way BACK? He doesn't. I swear he could fall in love with me.. all these feelings that are between us already, through the short weeks we've become close, it's amazing.. undescribable.
We talk all day long. Seriously. As soon as he wakes up he texts me, and we text until I fall asleep at night. This is how it's been for the past week straight I'd say. We never bore each other. We're eager to find out everything and anything about the other. He tells me so much.. every word makes me fall for him a bit more. I love who he is.
This whole situation is so complicated though. My boyfriend.. I know he's not the one. I know I can't stay with him forever. I think I know these things. He has changed, but just a tiny amount, and it's a little too late. It's just who he is I guess. It's not that I don't care about him or like him, I do, it's just.. not enough to devote myself to him. And no.. I don't want to go messing around with other guys or have fun around town, that's not it at all. I want something meaningful, something that will make me want to stay. I don't see things getting better for us. I can't help the way I feel. I need to tell him about my feelings for this other guy. And if he breaks up with me, I deserve it. If he doesn't he's crazy.. I really don't want to lose him.. I realized this tonight. I want him in my life.. I don't want him to resent me or hate me, I want him to care for me like I care for him. But friend-like.
I'm just being selfish. This whole situation is a win-lose. I can't have it win-win.. and it's really a possibility that it could be lose-lose.
Since when do I get put in situations like this? Maybe it's because I've never felt so strongly about someone.
I'm not sure of much of anything. I wish I was..
I just need to do this. And whatever happens.. happens. It's all in fate's hands. | | |
| It's all 3.
And I am hurt, but not alone.
They are both still here.. but boyfriend is the same boy. And crush of my life has a girlfriend, a serious one.
My heart in my chest physically aches.
:( | | |
| [4/17]
I like a boy.
I like a boy who is not my boyfriend.
I've never been like this. I've never even liked two guys at once. I've come up with many reasons why this is.
1. My boyfriend hurt me. He just didn't care when I cared so much, and my heart can't just forget that. So I need comfort right? I need someone to give me what he doesn't.
2. I'm just being led on. Story of my life. I'm an easy target.. well, I thought I got out of it, perhaps not..
3. Maybe this boy is actually.. amazing.
I don't know kids. It's all dangerous. I just know I'll end up hurt and alone.. I just know it. Maybe I deserve it.. | | |
| [4/10]
So. I'm not sure what I wanted to write anymore. Perhaps I'll pour my soul out non-making-sense-like.. as usual.
People. They aren't all misleading, but they all mislead you. I've discovered that I do it to myself. I form this vision of this person, a vision that I at first believe cannot be broken.
Take for instance, the boy in class. I formed the vision, and actually proclaimed this vision aloud, that he was sensiive, smart, caring, open, artistic, manly, and funny. Basically, perfection. But.. he's like everyone. He hurts people. He uses people. He makes mistakes. He lies. He's ugly at some point inside. LIKE EVERYONE.
Why do I make people seem to be different all the time, just to be let down when I find out they're all the same? I do it to myself.
I had hopes in the boyfriend. Real high hopes. Gradual improvement, eventual success.
It's all past tense.
My heart kind of.. hurts. If I let him go, I'll still hold him inside for a while. Will he still hold me? Will he fight to keep holding me?
The burdons in my life are always about people. Not things really. I mean, sure, money and a car and school are all burdons, but people are the ones that really get to me.
I include myself in that group of people. | | |
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